The reality of reality TV

A few years ago I was approached by Dick-scovery channel about hosting a reality tv show about survival around the world. I agreed, signed a contract, and waited for filming to begin. Unknown to me during the waiting time, the show format and concept had changed immensely and had morphed into a juvenile and frat boy like embarrassing show where I would be working with 4 other “experts” in the field of survival….
To make things worse, the network changed the name to the juvenile and embarrassing title of “Dude your screwed”…yup, I was embarrassed to tell family and friends about it due to the name and the fact that my fellow “experts” had no survival knowledge.
I tried to get out of the contract but was locked in for the duration. Finally I accepted the idea and did the show for the money and the free world travel. During the filming of the 7 episodes I (we) traveled to Alaska, Costa Rica, Chile, Florida, Utah, California, Finland, and Iceland. I have attached a write up about my personal trek in Chile. it was a great adventure and I would love to get back the Patagonia one day.
Corcovado Chile` – The departing helicopters rotor blades were kicking up volcanic ash and cold wind. My “friends” had just dropped me off in the caldera of Corcovado volcano in Patagonia, Chile`. I was lightly dressed, it was cold, getting dark, and I was standing on a mix of rock and ice. Looking around me there was no choice of direction other than to climb out of the caldera and try to get a view, and locate a decent route off the mountain before dark.
For equipment, I was left with a bouquet of flowers, some plant food, a gallon of antifreeze, and six golf clubs. I also had a fairly decent jacket left by my “friends”. I had nothing in my pockets except a cotton bandanna. It was not exactly a good survival kit . I could already see things I could use to ensure my safety and survival. I was also wearing a biometrics belt that my “Friends” could monitor my progress from. It contained a satellite GPS readout and my bio data.

The temperature was dropping fast, I put on the jacket, and slung the golf bag over my shoulder. Using a golf club ad a walking cane, I headed up to the rim of the caldera. The golf club cane worked well and gave me 3 points of contact on the slippery rocks and ice. Once on the rim , I was able to see mountains in the far distance to the east. Snow covered and beautiful.
I also saw a lake about 3 miles away. I headed there. It was a difficult decent, some of the rocks moved and rolled at the slightest touch, and I kept breaking through the thin crust of ice. Once I got lower in elevation, the temperature warmed slightly and I began to see small streams of water. I stopped at one and quenched my thirst. I also saw some dried grass which I took along to use for fire tinder later on. Just in case I didn’t see anything else later on.
Reaching the lake area right at dark, I still had a few minutes of nautical twilight left, so I gathered fire wood and looked for a place to build my fire. The moon was rising in the gathering twilight, and the sky was crystal clear. It was getting cold as I broke out the plant food and antifreeze that I would use to make fire. Potassium permanganate and glycerine combined make a chemical form of ignition – fire. The plant food and antifreeze contained these chemicals.
I took my dried grass, and some small match stick size twigs, and made a “nest” , next i added the plant food , then dribbled some antifreeze on that. poof!, fire!
I stoked the fire up pretty big, making a “white mans fire” for light, combined with the increasing moonlight , I was able to see well enough to gather a huge pile of fire wood. I was not able to locate shelter materials so my plan was to lay by the fire all night. I made a parallel fire lay the length of my body, gathered some grass to insulate me from the ground, stoked the fire. and laid down to relax.

I slept very well, except the moon was so bright, it was like someone was shining a flashlight in my face all night. The next morning, I awoke to a beautiful sunrise, gathered my things and headed to the lake to have a look. I stopped off at a stream to slake my thirst. I drank 25 swallows of the stream water , giving me about 20 ounces in my stomach. Some people might think drinking unpurified stream water is not very smart. But, I can assure you. Dehydration is not a good thing. If the water makes you Ill you can always fix that when you get back to civilization.
It was a beautiful lake, but I noticed there were no signs of fish working on the water. I also noticed there were no bugs or insects of any kind. That tells you this, No insects means no food for fish, no fish means no food for me. As I stood on the shore of the lake, I could see that I was basically in a bowl. I had no choice but to climb out of there to higher ground to see where I was.
The jungle was amazingly thick, and there was huge patches of moss, and moss growing 2 feet deep on the bigger trees. It was a surreal place, but very beautiful. I had no tools or weapons at my disposal but I had the 6 golf clubs, and an idea.
On my way back to my overnight camp site,I stopped and drank a lot more water. Digging around in my fire pit, I was able to locate some hot coals which I gathered on a slab of weed. Walking back to the stream, I made another fire, and stoked it high. I was going for hot coals. I took one of the golf clubs and stuck it in the fire.
Next, I gathered some diurite stones to use as hammers and an anvil. Diurite, I believe , is the 2nd hardest stone in the world. Perfect for emergency blacksmithing tools. I have studied blacksmithing on a primitive forge in Thailand and the Philippines. I was confident that in due time, I could transform one of the golf clubs into a useful cutting tool.
Once the golf club head was good and hot, i took it to the stream and cooled it off, that way i could remove the head. I was left with a hollow tube and a steel head. Taking them back to the fire I shoved the head deep into the coals. Next, I burned off the butt end of the handle. I used it for forced air to make the coals hot. I had no charcoal so this would have to do.
After an hour or so of heating and blowing forced air the steel head was getting to the point where I could begin to shape it into a tomahawk. My design idea was to make it like a hand axe with a spike on the end. The spike could be used as a marlin spike, foraging tool, self defense, or driven into a hard wood handle to make the head into a hatchet.
Long story short, it took me 6+ hours of exhausting work to shape the golf club into a tomahawk looking too,l with a spike in the end. I looked around for suitable handle materials but didn’t see anything I could use.
It was around 3 in the afternoon when I dowsed my fire, took another long pull of water, and shouldered my golf bag. Time to hit the trail. The ascent was very difficult, the species of bamboo growing in the forest was one I had never seen before. It would tangle my feet and catch on the golf bag I carried. causing me to stumble a lot. I used my tomahawk many times to cut my way through the bamboo tangle.
It was exhausting. I had no water or food. Oddly I noticed too, that I had not seen any wild life except one dragon fly and one small bird.
After hours of hiking , it was getting dark and I had not reached the summit peak I was aiming for. I could have made it to the top by dark but then I would have been stuck on a treeless peak with no fuel for a fire. And there were many sheer rock face drop offs in the area. I located a relatively flat area to lay down on .
I dropped my bag, and after much searching, I had a stack of fire wood to last me all night. I waited until full dark to kindle my fire. I wanted to wait to make the fire to ensure I had enough fuel to last me all night. the Last thing I wanted to do was run out of wood in the middle of the night.
That night, after full dark I was able to spot man made lights to the north. Salmon farms maybe. Fishing village perhaps. So I decided to head in that direction in the morning. Once I peaked out on the summit and had a better look around I could decide on my best option. I sat by my fire and star gazed most of the night. The southern cross was beautiful and the moonlight was so bright, I could have easily read a book, if I had one.
It got pretty frosty before morning and as a consequence of this , I was awake well before dawn. As soon as it was light enough to see, I headed up to the summit. Once on the summit, I was afforded a 360 degree view of the area. It was burn your eyeballs gorgeous! To my east was what looked like a wilderness stretching into infinity, to my west , north and south, was the Pacific coast. In the distance I could see a rainbow that followed a squall over the ocean.
That is where I headed. I went looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It was symbolic to me. The Pacific coast has plenty of food and That is what I needed = pot of gold.
I headed down an arroyo toward the ocean. Since rivers lead to the sea, so too do washes and arroyos. More bamboo jungle met me and it was difficult going, but this time down slope, which, for me is always easier. It took me nearly the total hours of day light to reach the coast. Once there I measured the time til sunset using the hand method. I had less than 2 hours before dark.
As I was checking the time , I saw 2 sea lions (lobos del mar in spanish) surface on the water then followed by a killer whale. That was awesome to see. Inspired by the wild life sighting, I set about making a shelter.
While gathering driftwood poles and Nalga leaves to make the shelter, I found a 2 liter plastic pop bottle I could use as a canteen. Even better, I found a 6 foot by 5 foot piece of styrofoam. It was 8 or 9 inches thick and made a perfect mattress for my shelter.
Once my shelter was made, I gathered fire wood. Kindled a fire, then set out looking for food in the tidal pools. I found lots of bull kelp, crabs, limpets and mussels. I also found a lot of seaside plantain. In addition to these I cut up the stalk of the Nalga plant to roast in the coals.
I wrapped the limpets and plantain leaves in the bull Kelp, skewered the crab on sticks, and roasted my Nalga stalks. While the food was cooking, I went to the coastal river and filled the plastic bottle with the brackish water. I could have gotten fresher water further up stream but I was tired and feeling lazy. On the way back to my fire I gathered more fire wood.
After not eating for several days the aroma of the cooking seafood was overpowering. I couldn’t wait to sit on my styrofoam pad and chow down. By the time my camp was set up and the food cooked, it was full dark. I let the fire burn down to coals , raked out the “packet” of sea food, tore it open and dined in regal splendor there on the beach, under a full moon, with a nice breeze blowing. My music was the crash of the surf. I ate until there was nothing left but a pile of broken crab and limpet shells. Id like to say that I do not even like sea food but,That particular meal of fresh sea food was one of my most memorable. The old saying that “Hunger is the best sauce” applied in this case.
After dinner I raked a large burning ember out of my fire and carried it into my shelter, I had dug a small hole near the entrance to my “hooch” to place it in. I blocked the door with a slab of styrofoam. The ember burned all night, and took off the chill inside of my humble abode.
I had a good 9 hours of sleep and woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, but oh maaannn , I needed a cup of coffee! Lacking that, I took a long pull on my water bottle, looked at the beautiful scenery, then took apart my shelter and hit the trail. I headed north, up the coast toward the lights I had seen. After foraging my way up the beach for a few hours I began to get hungry. I stopped, and kindled a fire (with the last of my potassium permanganate and antifreeze) to cook the giant limpets and crabs I had collected. While the food cooked, I thought about other ways to make fire if need be in the near future.
As I was sitting there on a log near my fire, dining on crab, I spotted a yacht approaching. I saw them lower a zodiac into the water and and then some men jump on board. They were heading toward me. To my surprise it was my “friends” out looking for me. Apparently , I had lost my biometrics belt some where along the way (I hadn’t noticed). It turns out they were worried about my condition and made the decision to come “rescue” me. They had a approximate idea of my location due to their last biometrics read out, so, with a bit of luck , they found me easily enough.
It was actually good to see them. They came bearing gifts of chocolate and Johnny Walker black label whisky. But alas, no coffee! After exchanging greetings, having a drink or two, and shooting the shit on the beach, we piled into the zodiac and headed for the Yaht “Alba”. She is a beautiful fully restored 1920s era wooden yacht. Once on board, I was able to finally get that damn cup of coffee . All in all, It was a good trek, I absolutely Love Chilean Patagonia and would welcome the opportunity to return for another challenge but NOT with Discovery channel.
I don’t want to take the shit with the sugar.

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